My Battle

My depression is slowly over coming me, i have good days it does not mean i am better or fixed.

Wyatt helps a lot but he’s thousand miles away.  Over thinking is the only thinking i do. i constantly feel disappointed in myself for no reason.

How i know its bad again, over sleeping or no sleep at all. Over eating or not eating at all. Popping meds like candy and crying over the smallest things.

I have no interest in things.

I am watching things slowly pass by me and i don’t care.

I know i will be okay but i still feel terrible.
I know i will get better but i can’t seem to get there.

The universe is throwing the worse situations at me left and right, i can’t catch a break.

Have you ever cried because you are just, you?

If you can read my thoughts i’m sure my struggles would make you cry.
I have people who love me and i don’t want to burden them with my inner and unimportant struggles.

Covering my mouth while i cry so i don’t make a sound, and feeling that pit in my stomach or in my heart is the worse kind of feeling.

I miss you.

Putting Hope back in my Marriage.

I have been constantly asked by my spouse what i think a marriage is. What is a marriage?  Is there a correct answer? I think it means something different to everyone or they have different thoughts or opinions. Here i am sitting on a work night, i have to study for a class but i can’t really focus on school thinking about my marriage.

I read on some blogs that we all should put God before our selfs and our spouse. I can agree on that on some terms, i believe he important and he can really help. I am sad to say but i was never really into God before i got married.

I only say this because i grew up not thinking about Him and what He can do. I lived a hard life in my eyes, i’m only 22.  I would say my life was just complete shit as i was younger. Sorry for the language, but at one point in my life i wanted to take my own life. I some how worked through it, maybe it was because my dad decided to put soap in my mouth.  But i decided to work hard and get out of my small crummy home town. I moved to Anchorage Alaska to start school so i can become a RN, and i struggle along the way.

As i said before, with my life being so hard i thought that the world owed me something. I don’t know what, but i was expecting something to happen that would not make my life so shitty or give me hope that life wasn’t as bad as it seems.

I would say something did happen, or the world gave me something i was looking for, or asked for. I met Wyatt, it was like we just clicked and we were madly in love.

I know most relationships start with sex but not us. We went old school with the dates and going to the movies and dinner. We waited, and i’m glad we did because we let our emotions combine first.

As we started seeing each other more and more, he saw who i was. I was a girl in college living in her dorm room who was constantly partying. I lived in the same town as my best friend from high school, Dawn Ashton the girl from day one. She was the one who helped me no matter the situation, from buying me food to buying me scrubs and business casual clothes. I completely abandon her and that was the worst thing i could ever done.  I love you Dawn, my baby girl always no matter what.

As for me i was partying all the time and it got to the point where i started doing drugs. I lied and kept that from him and he eventually found out. Then i promised him i would stop, but i didn’t and it hurt him so much. He lost his trust in me, and even punished me by completely ignore me before he left for training.

I cried and begged him to come over so i can see him. He didn’t cave, so i went a month with out seeing him this was before we got married. See i am a stubborn person i got it from both my parents. I put up a fight because he said he wanted me to be punished, so i fought back.

I wont go into detail about things but there was a point where i stopped trusting Wyatt. Do you consider that a punishment? I’m not saying this has happened but, if your spouse cheated on you, would you leave them? A marriage is sacred, it’s a commitment and it should be fought for right?

Through Thick and Thin.

Thats what the vows say.

We got married so fast, we both got married at the age of 21. We kept our family in the dark because we were scared. We didn’t give them a wedding it didn’t have to be a big wedding with a white dress or fancy everything.  I have been thinking about getting married and having a wedding since i was younger. I wanted a big wedding with a big beautiful white dress and have everything i ever wanted. Maybe one day i can still have that.

I as i mentioned before, my Hubby is deployed and won’t be home for awhile. So it’s been hard and i have been having a hard time with things. You can only imagine arguing with each other long distance, how completely difficult it is.

It’s easy to drift away from people, people who you had around 24/7. It’s a heart breaking feeling. Sure we can have conversations and talk but the conversations are plain and boring and it’s like talking to a stranger. He tells me that ‘ i know its hard and i know you can handle this. You will come out stronger.’  I read this and get so upset because well i’m just so tired of hearing and reading it.

Wyatt i am so sorry for acting so rude to you, but you don’t understand everything and you don’t know everything that goes on because you are gone. I have said sorry a million of times because it’s hard on you and it makes you worry.  You said you don’t care about apologies, and that is just not what i want to hear because you are gone. You need to be reminded every day that i am supporting you and being so brave for you and thats not always easy.

Please don’t go and making me feel like i’m being dramatic because i am not and it’s not a fair thing to say to someone who is standing on the side lines cheering you on. I am suffering from anxiety daily and you know that.  I Love You, and i miss you. I am not going to stop fighting for this marriage. You have boundaries, so do i. I just want you to know that.

A Bundle of Unclear Thoughts

I want a job or career that is hard, but also simple. I want to be recognized every day. Whatever i want to do i’m going  to make sure i do it big. I have all these things i want to do, all these certs and degrees. Like EMT, Pharmacy Tech, OBGYN, Flight nurse, Critical care physician, can i cant make up my damn mind but thats okay.

Im only 22 and i meet people every day who are older and just getting started. Knowing that gives me hope that no matter what i decide to do i will never be too old.

But lately i have been struggling. Struggling with everything, work, studies and social. If i can click my heels three times and wish for my Wy to be home i would.  I was recently diagnosed with GAD, General Anxiety Disorder i know its nothing like cancer or  something serious like Lupus.  To me GAD is a big deal because i live with it and it is constantly there. The pills help the symptoms but whatever it is that i keep worrying about is still sitting there at the center of everything. To be honest i don’t really know how and what started it all, i do know that it has always been there just chilling and all.

A list of all the things i want to do with my life is either crossed off or pushed to the side. The first thing i need to do is finish my Pharmacy tech, i really don’t even know why i decided to do this. Maybe because i am kind of tired of my job? Who knows maybe i will actually like it and become a Pharmacist. EMT is cool and fast acting yeah its dangerous but i think i have always liked a fast moving pace and quick thinking. I am also very easily influenced. I was a ETT and i loved it because i think i liked being that person who helped someone in the worst time of their life. OBGYNS are like the miracle workers because they help women who are having babies. They help babies before they are born.

Totally irrelevant to the topics above, Today is November 9, and i didn’t have work today and i spent the day studying and playing with my dogs and making cinnamon rolls. Today reminds me of home because of Grey’s Anatomy and my mom because she would always watch it so i binge watched it and i fell in love with it. Today is missing one thing tho, and i look forward to having him home. My love, my brave man, my soldier.

See my Wyatt always lingers into my thoughts.
I love you Wyatt ❤ IMG_4143

Day 3 of 272.

Day 3 is just starting and i don’t know why but i’ve been sleeping a lot. Maybe it’s because Wyatts gone or maybe because i’m kinda sad. It is 12 noon here and about 11 at night where he is. I was pretty shocked about the time difference, but i’m glad i can talk to him when he has a minute to spare.

Today might be a little bit easier, i have a little bit more drive then yesterday. I feel more motivated to study and get out of the house and get things done. But lets wait and see how the rest of today goes, Ive said this already but its true when people say ” the walls get loud”. It’s true because yesterday i sat at home most of thew day and after a few hours i broke down and cried. I’m glad i have Wyatt’s family here for me. I love you Wyatt and i miss you so much.IMG_20160402_152332

Day 2 of 272

First full day at home while my solider serves his country.  It’s too quiet, but kind of peaceful. I was up late the night before just playing on my phone and it gets creepy here at night alone.  That first hour of leaving him was the hardest, i couldn’t leave i couldn’t drive. I sat in my car and cried my eyes out it was unbearable for me it was like a pit in my stomach and mostly, in my heart. Most people tell me ‘ You should have known what you signed up for. ‘ No i didn’t know what i was signing up for because i was to focused on loving my sweet Wyatt.

It’s hard for me to stick to schedule, i know i need to study but i’m having a hard time staying focused.  I think ill cut it short today, I love you Wyatt James and i’m so proud of you. IMG_4102

Anniversary 

My dearest Wyatt, I love you. It’s been one hell of a ride, and its been worth it. You have helped me with everything, killing spiders to helping me learn and telling me to stop being such a princess. I love the way the day starts, and when it ends. 

Kisses and cuddles, some words of encouragement before work and a list of chores.  You really are so caring, and loving and most importantly silly. You really know how to put a smile on my face even when I’m mad at you. 

Darling, you are the greatest. I adore you when you smile at me when I’m being cute or funny, you know myself. I’d say we went 0-100 real quick knowing our situation. 
The best is yet to come❤
After tricking me into believing he forgot our anniversary I got sad. He made me take a shower then go to the bed room and grab something I walk into this. 

All my favorite foods, drinks and the flowers I really wanted.

 
I love you. – yours always❤💋  to the moon and back.