Putting Hope back in my Marriage.

I have been constantly asked by my spouse what i think a marriage is. What is a marriage?  Is there a correct answer? I think it means something different to everyone or they have different thoughts or opinions. Here i am sitting on a work night, i have to study for a class but i can’t really focus on school thinking about my marriage.

I read on some blogs that we all should put God before our selfs and our spouse. I can agree on that on some terms, i believe he important and he can really help. I am sad to say but i was never really into God before i got married.

I only say this because i grew up not thinking about Him and what He can do. I lived a hard life in my eyes, i’m only 22.  I would say my life was just complete shit as i was younger. Sorry for the language, but at one point in my life i wanted to take my own life. I some how worked through it, maybe it was because my dad decided to put soap in my mouth.  But i decided to work hard and get out of my small crummy home town. I moved to Anchorage Alaska to start school so i can become a RN, and i struggle along the way.

As i said before, with my life being so hard i thought that the world owed me something. I don’t know what, but i was expecting something to happen that would not make my life so shitty or give me hope that life wasn’t as bad as it seems.

I would say something did happen, or the world gave me something i was looking for, or asked for. I met Wyatt, it was like we just clicked and we were madly in love.

I know most relationships start with sex but not us. We went old school with the dates and going to the movies and dinner. We waited, and i’m glad we did because we let our emotions combine first.

As we started seeing each other more and more, he saw who i was. I was a girl in college living in her dorm room who was constantly partying. I lived in the same town as my best friend from high school, Dawn Ashton the girl from day one. She was the one who helped me no matter the situation, from buying me food to buying me scrubs and business casual clothes. I completely abandon her and that was the worst thing i could ever done.  I love you Dawn, my baby girl always no matter what.

As for me i was partying all the time and it got to the point where i started doing drugs. I lied and kept that from him and he eventually found out. Then i promised him i would stop, but i didn’t and it hurt him so much. He lost his trust in me, and even punished me by completely ignore me before he left for training.

I cried and begged him to come over so i can see him. He didn’t cave, so i went a month with out seeing him this was before we got married. See i am a stubborn person i got it from both my parents. I put up a fight because he said he wanted me to be punished, so i fought back.

I wont go into detail about things but there was a point where i stopped trusting Wyatt. Do you consider that a punishment? I’m not saying this has happened but, if your spouse cheated on you, would you leave them? A marriage is sacred, it’s a commitment and it should be fought for right?

Through Thick and Thin.

Thats what the vows say.

We got married so fast, we both got married at the age of 21. We kept our family in the dark because we were scared. We didn’t give them a wedding it didn’t have to be a big wedding with a white dress or fancy everything.  I have been thinking about getting married and having a wedding since i was younger. I wanted a big wedding with a big beautiful white dress and have everything i ever wanted. Maybe one day i can still have that.

I as i mentioned before, my Hubby is deployed and won’t be home for awhile. So it’s been hard and i have been having a hard time with things. You can only imagine arguing with each other long distance, how completely difficult it is.

It’s easy to drift away from people, people who you had around 24/7. It’s a heart breaking feeling. Sure we can have conversations and talk but the conversations are plain and boring and it’s like talking to a stranger. He tells me that ‘ i know its hard and i know you can handle this. You will come out stronger.’  I read this and get so upset because well i’m just so tired of hearing and reading it.

Wyatt i am so sorry for acting so rude to you, but you don’t understand everything and you don’t know everything that goes on because you are gone. I have said sorry a million of times because it’s hard on you and it makes you worry.  You said you don’t care about apologies, and that is just not what i want to hear because you are gone. You need to be reminded every day that i am supporting you and being so brave for you and thats not always easy.

Please don’t go and making me feel like i’m being dramatic because i am not and it’s not a fair thing to say to someone who is standing on the side lines cheering you on. I am suffering from anxiety daily and you know that.  I Love You, and i miss you. I am not going to stop fighting for this marriage. You have boundaries, so do i. I just want you to know that.


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